Trial by Fire

I'm often accused of being too slow or too "heady." It's the same reason that high creative types are alcoholics, which is also something I struggle with. I have to be highly rational because I have such a raging beast within me; it requires that kind of control just to function and so I'm prone to lethargy. I get uncontrollable bursts of energy and if I don't channel it properly, things go awry. Extinguishing fire with gasoline- it just pours out of me like a river. It seems like pure aggression and I don't mean to do it but sometimes it's difficult to keep in check. The other danger is that without proper outlets, there can be an internal deadening with the suppression; growth is stunted out of fear of the self with booze. And so I get depressed because people can't keep up with me. I sit around the house, play video games and drink just so I don't have to rage against myself all day. It's a daily torment and while I'm able to manage it better than nearly every person I've found with this... tendency, it still isn't enough. I know I'm capable of greatness, of breaking the social cycle and bringing about great change, but I must master myself first. 

In the Vedas, they say my personality type is the most difficult to deal with. The mastering of my senses, the understanding of the mechanisms that drive the world and the constant struggle between suppression and the animal. That is why every day is a celebration; I understand it and I'm thankful just to be here. 

Some days the things that come through my flesh end up twisting my bones. I'm afraid of ever getting in a fight because of that feeling and the way it comes out of me. I've seen the look in the mirror and it scares me. I don't want to hurt anyone and people who know me would say that I don't have an anger problem. I just have a suppression problem- and yet they can't begin to keep up with me in even my most sedated states. Bursts of flame and smoke that create storms of networks erupt by themselves. One moment gives birth to more than the normal person will consider in a month. I know because I've been there. I've blacked out a single year of my life in that dead state and I promised myself that even on pain of death, I'd never do that again. That all the suffering of passion is worth the avoidance of that icy sleep. Death by fire. YES. Death by fire. The only end fitting for my kind.