De Generate

Neurotic, disconnected, full of shame and painfully self aware. The feeling of being cheated- of being incapable. The desire to be somewhere other than where I am. It's a shit day.
Resentful of beautiful women and people who are able to put up with all this shit on a daily basis- simultaneously I want to destroy them. For being who they are, for being what they are. For promoting such pathetic conditions, I want to destroy them. Being angry at myself for being so willfully ignorant and wanting to hide from my daily condition. Yet facing it seems equally horrible.
Shit. I wouldn't want to read this.
The fuck do I want to say.

My situation may be shit at present, but it's also excellent. I could no more hope for strength without gravity than excellence without facing this horrible muck.

As for being a dumbshit spaz, I say fuck you. I won't tolerate all this self destructive horseshit. I won't degrade myself like this. I'll promote self-compassion. And while I may remain a neurotic fuck, I'll be one that doesn't run from my situation. Here's to bravery in the syphilitic pit which is modern education. Here's to honesty in a culture who's ridden with self-doubt. Here's to compassion, knee deep in the pig pen. Here's to unrequited self love, to unconditional creativity and absolute victory against all enemies.

I may be a degenerate mongoloid without friends, but my future is brighter than ever. What brilliant colors! What absolute beauty! What amazing grace has taken over this opium den! With rapture, I turn filth into gold and the most devout sinner into a beautiful gem of this world, clothed in pure white.

I accept who I am and the conditions I live in- more than that- I love the daily challenge. I am in ecstatic bliss at the struggles that stick so loyally. What a blessing to live in this place. What true and perennial love has sent me these trials in hopes that I would face them? Whatever force put me in this place- here amongst the shit- I thank it. Thank you for the trust to face these issues. Thank you for the chance to practice this divine alchemy. Thank you for the courage, the patience, the loving compassion and the daily rage I sit in that focuses my eyes firmly upon this goal.

Thank you for placing me in the path of destruction. Thank you for the myriad weapons that pierce my breast daily. Thank you for heartbreak, and difficulty, and my irreverence that has served to teach me what's important.

A thousand blessings to every force that tries to destroy me. I live in peace because of them.