A Response to Loneliness

Today at lunch I was feeling depressed again- an overflow from yesterday, not quite resolved. I was looking around, eating alone, checking out all these groups of people seemingly having a good time. I wondered why I wasn't in one of those groups. What kind of group would I even want to be involved with? I couldn't pick one out of the twelve or so tables that I'd eagerly want to engage with.

I've always been very social- but not very... tied? to a single group over another. As far back as I can remember I've been the intermediary, the entertainer, the mediator, the lone star. Sort of a drifter- sort of like Hermes (aka Mercury) from the Greek and Roman mythologies. Even while walking inside a group of people I deeply cared about, I always felt separate. I'd walk dead center amongst a group of people, and yet starkly by myself. It was not a choice I made, it was just always how I was- how I have been- how I am. Never once developing that kind of "I'm part of this group" mentality. I've had many, many social families, but it never became "I am from X, not Y or Z." Does that make sense? It was always "X, Y, Z- and everything else!" for me. So, sitting there in the middle of an empty table, I felt at peace because I was not with a particular group. I was alone and yet I was having lunch with the entire room. I started to feel better about my situation because, like everyone else, I was following what came natural to me. Nothing is worse than trying to fit into a place you don't- and nothing better than being where you're supposed to be.

Letting my mind wander from my social situation to the lifestyle I'd like to lead, some qualities occurred to me that I'd like to bring to my professional life.

(1) I'd like to travel- to have a home base to come to (and get grounded in) but I'd love the opportunity to travel the globe and get paid for it. I want to travel lightly. I don't want to have to bring a suitcase full of crap- I want to be able to carry everything I need. I want to live simply- vibrantly, with such greatness. I want to be able to create everything I need- to use the tools I've got.

(2) I want to meet with influential and knowledgeable people- leaders in their particular fields. I want to meet and deal with a variety of people from a multitude of backgrounds on a DAILY basis. Also, I want to have some kind of context to relate to them with- some kind of purpose or shared project.

(3) I want to write. Lots. Often and with great enthusiasm. I want to become excellent at my craft. I want to be published. I want my work to be relevant.

(4) I want to be autonomous. I want the freedom to make my own decisions on what projects I work on and what I say about them. I want the personal liberty to go where I want and create what I want. I want to be well paid for that.

(5) I want my work to have practical application- to effect how things are done, instead of some kind of funky abstract that five academics read- I want to have my work easily accessible and, more importantly, I want to create things that are useful. I want to be useful. I want to solve real problems- not abstract ones.

(6) I want to be able to support those who matter to me. I want to have a solid and developed social/professional family that I can rely on. I want to set down some roots in a global tree- to have a wide network of people. I want to be able to adapt my tools to contextual problems wherever I go. I want to solve and deal with a variety of problems. I want to be the vanguard, the heavyweight- someone to initiate programs and develop them. I want to be able to go places I've never been and have tools that will serve me.

(7) I want to work long hours- all day if I can, doing what I love. I want going to work to be a joyful experience because that's the place I rather be- what I would rather be doing more than anything else. I want to start that soon.

Yes, yes, I want to start that soon. Yes please. As soon as I can. Let me do THAT. Whatever that is. However I do that- let me do that.