Will to Live

I'm tired.
Tired of fighting to come up with the words.
Of being so damned self-critical.
Walking down the street and finding that it's easier to break a person down for what they're doing wrong than finding what they're doing right.
I'm tired of the pauses. The gaps that I stumble over. Fucking tired of being afraid about doing the wrong thing. I'm fucking tired of wondering what's next. I hate the baggage of my history- the guilt of not having done anything worthy- and more than that, the fear of attempting anything worth doing.
I'm sick over that feeling. Insanity is attempting the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Who can escape that definition. Immersed in a soup of it. Our culture breeds insanity. That's our greatest export.

I can do better.
I have to do better.
I will do better.

In this moment I recognize that it's difficult for me to accept the truth. It's easy to talk about what "people" do- implied- what -other- people do, and very difficult to talk about what -I- do. In this moment I recognize the pain of suffering from my own insanity. It seems I find myself in that kind of state when the desire to FEEL better exceeds the desire to BE better. If that isn't ironic... That the desire to feel better causes sickness.

I think that self-obsession, self-reflection that isn't honest, exists only to hide true problems. Another form of mental masturbation. I run around in circles because the alternative is too painful. Intellectually I know that a half-life is not one half of a life, but no life. Being half living is worse than having lived and died, yet it's difficult for me to accept that in practice. It seems that is born because I'm ignorant of what's important. Not enough practice. I don't know how to do that.

But I will do it.
In this moment I feel alive. In this moment I feel healthy and on the path to becoming whole again. Sometimes strangers will tell me "whatever you're doing, keep it up" as if they see something unidentifiable, something that refuses to die, something that might just remind them of that spirit in all of us. If there's a single part about me I've never questioned, it's that feeling. That's the only thing I truly love. That urge to live- to fight.

And so I will.

Fight.

Myriad Forms

Heavy

I'm afraid to try and fail... I guess that's what keeps most at bay. If not for myself, I'll do it For those poor reactionary bastards. Who can't think for themselves. Who can never act. God, I wish I could max out my squat today. Instead, I'll max something else. I'll lift some poor bastard's spirits. And in this way, I'll hop from one max to the next. And I'll never have to lift light weights again.

Resolute. Pt. 2

There's a stillness after you've done what's needed.
Nothing to be said; the work speaks for itself.
Without being seen, or heard, it's felt.
Beyond feeling, it's known beyond knowing.
Experienced like the movement of the earth.
In relation to something else,
Like the clouds,
Or the stars,
Like beams of light, bent
Against that invisible thing-
Gravity.
And so you grind, grind, grind.
And push against that invisible thing.
Get that weight up. Grind, grind, grind.
Discrimination
Between what's important
And...
And the perpetual feeling
Of having missed your exit.

Better than avoiding that horrible feeling-
Better than dodging bullets-
Better than simply fighting to stay above water-

Grind, grind, grind.
Get that weight up.

You meet that horrible feeling.
And you endure.

Resolute.

This world overwhelmed by mental afflictions is incapable of accomplishing its own self-interest. Therefore, I must do it for them. I am not as incapable as the world is. Therefore, with an unswerving mind, I shall bring disaster to adversity. I should overcome everything and not be overcome by anything.

Ch7 The Perfection of Zeal, A Guide To the Bodhisattva Way Of Life by Shantideva Bodhisattva

Resolute.

Put more weight on the bar. Grind, grind, grind. Get it up. Discrimination Between what's important And... And the perpetual feeling Of having missed your exit. Get it up. Grind, grind, grind. Put more weight on the bar. There's a stillness after you've done what's needed. Nothing to be said; the work speaks for itself. Without being seen, or heard, it's felt. Beyond feeling, it's known. Experienced like the movement of the earth. In relation to something else, Like the clouds, Or the stars, With beams of light across the vast darkness. There's a subtle perception. Smaller than an electron, It contains uncountable galaxies. Put more weight on the bar. Get it up. Grind. Grind. Grind.

By the way

Cultivation

I want just a little bit more freedom. I want a little bit more strength. A little more grace, just a touch more wisdom, a smidgin more of whatever I had yesterday. I want a little bit more freedom- not from some machete wielding Nigerian rebel, or some fat-cat politician, I don't seek freedom from some oligarchical knights-templar-illuminati boogieman. Nah. I want violence- true revolution. I picked up a book of the history of weaponry. As long as the human race has been living close enough to strike each other, we've been making tools to make that easier. How can TRUE violence- true deviance from our dysfunctional history- how can that ever unite with the petty, lesser violence of men? How can a revolutionary take up petty violence and claim it as greater violence?

I will destroy you with a smile. With a smile I've brought about more violence than some slashing, gnawing, impulsive terror can cause in an eon. I want freedom from the cause of ignorance. I want education instead of learning- better still, I want to bring my revolution to the core of education.

"There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root."

"If, then, we would indeed restore mankind by truly Indian, botanic, magnetic, or natural means, let us first be as simple and well as Nature ourselves, dispel the clouds with hang over our own brows, and take up a little life into our pores." Thoreau, Walden (both quotes)

I seek true work, not mere employment. If I'm to employ myself, it will be towards the ends I've mentioned. Money alone cannot buy revolution. It seems to me that everything I want in this life exists in a world outside the reach of finance. I see many men working hard, but I see few working smart. I see many call themselves wealthy, and yet they all live in the poorhouse of the spirit. I've only got compassion to the man who suffers from such excesses of the wallet and such deficiencies of the spirit, for that kind of wealth enables him merely to destroy his peace of mind.

I myself am the only one capable to cause true revolution.
That is what I will set myself towards.
And like a beast of the field, I'll set my plow into the earth and like the farmer behind it, I will plant the seeds that will best afford me a magnificent harvest.

I'll not worry about Monsanto or the city planning department or any other bureaucrat or impediment of progress because all truly great fields, all truly great actions and developments are beyond them. In this way I'll build an entire city of shimmering quicksilver and plant the entire civilization it in the cracks of their foundation. By cultivating greatness I'll unearth the basis of ignorance. I'll become the Banyan tree, or some great evergreen Cyprus tree, and in this way, tear up the earth.

Victory

All victory is my victory.
All failure is my failure.

A Guide to the Bodhisattva Way of Life, The Perfection of Zeal

50. This world overwhelmed by mental afflictions is incapable of accomplishing its own self-interest. Therefore, I must do it for them. I am not as incapable as the world is.
54. Therefore, with an unswerving mind, I shall bring disaster to adversity. For as long as I am conquered by adversities, my desire for victory over the three worlds is ludicrous.
55. I should overcome everything and not be overcome by anything. I should acquire this self-confidence, for I am a Child of Lions, the Jinas.
62. One should diligently apply oneself to the action in which one engages. Intoxicated by that action, one should be of an insatiable mind, like one striving for the satisfaction of the result of a game.

Things I Forget

I hide in my formalism. Self-care is the most revolutionary act.

Puh-Pum Puh-Pum

There are things worse than death. Half-life. Silent agony. There are things better than mere living. Isn't it funny then that the threat of true life can send a person into half-living? I shall endeavor to follow no law that offends that law I find written on my heart.




To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.

Err on the side of GTFO

Sometimes people accuse me of not being serious enough.
Oh, my mistake. You see, I took it as a farce, whilst you took it as a tragedy.
This tragic comedy gets the best of us all, so it looks.


Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck.

Twine

Chapter 74, Tao Te Ching: If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you aren't afraid of dying, there is nothing you can't achieve. Trying to control the future is like trying to take the master carpenter's place. When you handle the master carpenter's tools, chances are that you'll cut your hand.