Will to Live

I'm tired.
Tired of fighting to come up with the words.
Of being so damned self-critical.
Walking down the street and finding that it's easier to break a person down for what they're doing wrong than finding what they're doing right.
I'm tired of the pauses. The gaps that I stumble over. Fucking tired of being afraid about doing the wrong thing. I'm fucking tired of wondering what's next. I hate the baggage of my history- the guilt of not having done anything worthy- and more than that, the fear of attempting anything worth doing.
I'm sick over that feeling. Insanity is attempting the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Who can escape that definition. Immersed in a soup of it. Our culture breeds insanity. That's our greatest export.

I can do better.
I have to do better.
I will do better.

In this moment I recognize that it's difficult for me to accept the truth. It's easy to talk about what "people" do- implied- what -other- people do, and very difficult to talk about what -I- do. In this moment I recognize the pain of suffering from my own insanity. It seems I find myself in that kind of state when the desire to FEEL better exceeds the desire to BE better. If that isn't ironic... That the desire to feel better causes sickness.

I think that self-obsession, self-reflection that isn't honest, exists only to hide true problems. Another form of mental masturbation. I run around in circles because the alternative is too painful. Intellectually I know that a half-life is not one half of a life, but no life. Being half living is worse than having lived and died, yet it's difficult for me to accept that in practice. It seems that is born because I'm ignorant of what's important. Not enough practice. I don't know how to do that.

But I will do it.
In this moment I feel alive. In this moment I feel healthy and on the path to becoming whole again. Sometimes strangers will tell me "whatever you're doing, keep it up" as if they see something unidentifiable, something that refuses to die, something that might just remind them of that spirit in all of us. If there's a single part about me I've never questioned, it's that feeling. That's the only thing I truly love. That urge to live- to fight.

And so I will.

Fight.