It was interesting to see my family tonight. I remained basically unchanged throughout the night, despite how much I had to drink. People often tell me how little they see my behavior change when I'm inebriated. Writing, now, at the end of the night, I would expect to see little change in the meter or footprint of my writing. It's one in the morning, I've been sipping 12 year old scotch and you know what the last joke of the evening was? "You're funny because you don't care."
You know, but excuse me, I don't really care. I was laughing as my aunt told me the time she got two huge black eyes on her honey moon. I was, actually... the only one laughing... well, I laughed because she was standing there drinking champagne at her father-in-law's 90 year birthday. I'm sorry, but shit goes rather well. It's 1 in the morning and there are still bottles that remain unopened. We had as good a time as possible. We hit the fucking limit there. Shit is good right now so when you're telling me your sob story about a rather comedic adventure in China, I'm going to laugh.
Tonight the daughter of a woman who near broke her nose on a sliding glass door was sobbing at the sight of blood. I told the daughter that it was simply an accident. After realizing that this girl was going to continue to react this way regardless of what I did or said, I simply let her react as she would have. Get it out of your system. Morn the breaking of your mother's skin- whatever the shit you have to do! Get on with it! I've suffered enough in my life to recognize when someone just has to bitch. You know, go for it. Get it all out. People just walk up to me and tell me their life stories because I understand them.
Ok, yeah, I did that too. I get that. I understand that. That fucking hurt. Yeah, I did that just last week. I actually experience quite a number of what my friend bring to me. I've been through quite a lot and I think my indifference seems to express to people that I have nothing to add. This is quite the opposite. I know what you're experiencing so I know you can survive it. I also know, for having survived it, that you will learn something valuable from it.
I understand you're cutesy little social gestures. I know when someone wants to sleep with me. I know when someone is trying suggest something without outright saying it. Nine out of ten times, I know what you fucking mean to say when you don't really say it. I know the exact metabolic structures that are effected when you drink and how it effects your behavior- you know donkeys eat fermented fruit in Africa? They stumble around like- well, jackasses. I understand this and I just don't fucking care.
There are thousands of mannerisms that will give someone away. Each person I come in contact with, I download a copy of each set of behaviors and tell-signs. Ten seconds in to any conversation, I can tell, with 80% certainty, exactly the set of emotions and thoughts you're presently experiencing. I have no idea how to market this skill set, or any way to make money on this, but I'm sure I could if I cared more about money. Frankly, it's a more or less useless substance beyond a certain scale of application. If I have food in my belly and a roof over my head, shit is fucking grand. I don't need 12 year old scotch or fancy lobster ravioli (though they were fucking spectacular), I just need X, and that is achieved with very fucking little. I could live, fully supported, by the financing of a single uncle or aunt without causing any discomfort. I could live on ritz crackers and $1 chili. Seriously, I know where to get the deals.
I am both terrified and confidant about my trip to LA. I could fucking excel. I could rule the fucking world on the skill-set I have; or I could totally live in abject poverty. That is far from the truth, but it gives you a perspective on the range I live in. What I do tomorrow could end in total failure with no hope of redemption, or I could totally walk on the moon with what I got. John Malcovich explains this phenomenon beautifully in an interview I saw him in.
And you know what? I'm not fucking stupid. I've got this knowledge on fucking lockdown. This kid at work was talking shit and I turned to him and straight up said "let me spit some knowledge on a fool"- you know, educate some folks. Keep in mind, this is a team who's sole application process is dependent on capability of operating a tape measure. Excuse me? I've known how to FUCKING MEASURE shit since I could calculate. My depth perception is shit, but I know how tall I am and I can gauge quite a number of things without really thinking about it. I don't think people quite understand my ability to really address the situation at hand. Boom, a clearly defined problem and an even easier solution. Yeah, what the fuck ever, you'll make it till tomorrow. My hands are decorated with splinters, scabs, scrapes and bruises. No one today noticed and it wouldn't much matter if they did.
I fucking work. I take on 40 hours a week at Target and then take care of my uncle, my grandfather, my neurotic family and my own host of issues. I expend more energy than most people I know but do you know what hey see? They see a kid sitting still, practicing being silent, otherwise being a bore and killing the party. Excuse me but your party sucked to begin with. It died on it's own volition. I'm speaking to certain parts of the party tonight, not the party in it's entirety. I had a rather large amount of fun tonight, though few would be able to see that. I find that the people I get along with best are those that are introspective enough to sit quietly. They listen, they are able to provide adequate and honest feedback. They don't much care for the rumble of the nonsense because they have the patience and experience to deal with the situation at hand. I enjoy the company of the integral and mature. I enjoy people who can stand fearless against those who do bad unto them. I dig folks who are not easily swayed- who dance that balance between chaos and order- those who understand strife and actively challenge me.
I don't see anything wrong with that.
Excuse me, I don't care.
Do what you will.
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