"Stop feeling bad about what you can’t change – it’s done."
Haven't been writing much, computer broke. Sucks real hard.
Reading:
• The Secret Teachings of Plants: The Intelligence of the Heart in the Direct Perception of Nature by Stephen Harrod Buhner
• The Taoist Classics, Volume 1: The Collected Translations of Thomas Cleary
• From Dictatorship to Democracy by Gene Sharp
Just finished:
• Complexity: the emerging science at the edge of order and chaos by M. Mitchell Waldrop
Suggested reading:
• Chaos: Making a New Science by James Gleick
• Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu (translation by Mitchell)
Listening to:
Various lectures given by Terence McKenna and some groovy jams by Mos Def
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Water Conservation 101
I've lived so many thousands of lives. Reading some of my old poetry, it's interesting to revisit the places I've been. Today a friend asked me to tell him about myself. I honestly didn't know what to say. Which of these bits is I? Unsure. I am... Unsure.
The Blue Pinstripe
by ~satchell
My cell runs 8½ × 11
For I have been, rather abruptly,
committed to paper.
http://satchell.deviantart.com/
The Blue Pinstripe
by ~satchell
My cell runs 8½ × 11
For I have been, rather abruptly,
committed to paper.
http://satchell.deviantart.com/
Saturday, June 18, 2011
He was drawing a blank with a whole lot of crayons
> From the mud, man is born.
> Forged in the rock,
> He grows strong.
> Fed the seed of knowing,
> He grows bold.
> Given mettle as his core,
> He wanders away..
> Set adrift from precious earth,
> He dries out.
> Cohesion drains forth,
> He waters the land with his blood.
> The garden of Eden is born.
> His husk births the single tree,
> Of all dissent and misunderstanding.
-----
This brilliant engine, pumping away in my chest; I breathe in the sun.
> Forged in the rock,
> He grows strong.
> Fed the seed of knowing,
> He grows bold.
> Given mettle as his core,
> He wanders away..
> Set adrift from precious earth,
> He dries out.
> Cohesion drains forth,
> He waters the land with his blood.
> The garden of Eden is born.
> His husk births the single tree,
> Of all dissent and misunderstanding.
-----
This brilliant engine, pumping away in my chest; I breathe in the sun.
Friday, June 17, 2011
"Better"
The shrug of the grog- the violence of the change. Never once have I woken up under the tundra of the now wishing I was anyone or anywhere else. Bootstrap yourself up. Do it again. I may fail one thousand visceral times in a single breath but I'll never stop breathing before my time. There is no option other than just that...
BETTER. AGAIN. Thrown against the wall when I need to. Battered and literally dragging against the force of the world. Singing at that neon TILT and cursing it's name. I'll see you again and again and again, in good health and in poor condition, in the blazing glory of excellence or whimpering in a pile.
I will see you again.
If I were drawn and quartered, spread thin as it were, I've got 6 quarts of appreciation that this relationship isn't just skin deep. I'd Rorschach myself into something you could interpret a little easier. Read these tea leaves, whydontcha. That's 192 homies and if I had the pleasure to know that many excellent people I'd have an army. I'd march this band of miscreants a thundering and pounding (in the chest) and paint something a little better than the world. Create each person as a canvas and pass out the paints. Get a little messy. Get a little better.
I love because I know no other way
BETTER. AGAIN. Thrown against the wall when I need to. Battered and literally dragging against the force of the world. Singing at that neon TILT and cursing it's name. I'll see you again and again and again, in good health and in poor condition, in the blazing glory of excellence or whimpering in a pile.
I will see you again.
If I were drawn and quartered, spread thin as it were, I've got 6 quarts of appreciation that this relationship isn't just skin deep. I'd Rorschach myself into something you could interpret a little easier. Read these tea leaves, whydontcha. That's 192 homies and if I had the pleasure to know that many excellent people I'd have an army. I'd march this band of miscreants a thundering and pounding (in the chest) and paint something a little better than the world. Create each person as a canvas and pass out the paints. Get a little messy. Get a little better.
I love because I know no other way
Monday, June 13, 2011
And so it begins. The second Renascence- the genesis of another age.
We stand in this perfect world, this mathematically exact and deterministic universe- and yet, there is suffering. It's a really good thing to think about, that suffering business. Mostly it stems from the pleasure/pain dynamic, which essentially is the obsession with the desired/undesired draw. We obsess over 'personal' nature and strengthen the aspect of the ego which is "self" in order to build stronger associations with these trivial personality traits.
The draw to the "I" self is due to the obsession over pleasure and pain.
I care less about what happens, my associations free up, you start to learn faster.
The whole draw towards religion is based on this idea of grace. "All we hope for is a little bit of grace", the grace of god, the elegance of divine action. If you look up the word grace, it starts to talk about excellence- another divine virtue. Basically it has to do with efficiency, which is getting the most out of your input in any given system. I use the word efficiency because it's useful language in many disciplines. It's not the most elegant, but it gets the message across.
The emergence of religion looks the same as the emergence of any other system. It obeys the same laws and general principals. Yes, I can draw the similarities between your urge to scratch your nose and the advent of the combustion engine. That's another story all together.
The biggest issue is that the larger the scale you look at things, the less you're able to take from each individual place. The inherent limitation is that you're only able to communicate with the adjacent scales of reference in anything that resembles an honest way.
Genius has as much to do with genetic material as how that genetic material is taken care of during gestation. Typically marked by an excess of struggle and unusual almost radioactive brilliance. Genius is a pretty loaded word and I try to avoid it, but I'm referencing the Greek idea of the genii which was your guardian spirit that acted through you when fed properly. It would give you certain powers and was responsible for every creation of excellence from man. Every person was born with one and you fed it gifts of the self.
Get it now? Selfless acts, the movement away from the "I" sense, the distancing from the pleasure/pain dynamic and the such mark improvement as I have mentioned.
Sometimes distant and seemingly cold, uncaring- yet kindhearted and generous; honest to a fault, blunt, forward, high energy, high metabolism; unflinching humor, wit, sense of absurdity; intelligent, analytic, higher functioning logical processing, emotional, hedonistic, outspoken, high confidence. The list goes on.
Each variation of this story is due to localization of information and the individual lens it's told through. As a necessity any foundation is wider than the peak, as such, higher functioning people are less common and I don't mean to label an entire person as higher functioning, but parts of people who are better suited to excel.
Syncopation and eudaimonismos.
We stand in this perfect world, this mathematically exact and deterministic universe- and yet, there is suffering. It's a really good thing to think about, that suffering business. Mostly it stems from the pleasure/pain dynamic, which essentially is the obsession with the desired/undesired draw. We obsess over 'personal' nature and strengthen the aspect of the ego which is "self" in order to build stronger associations with these trivial personality traits.
The draw to the "I" self is due to the obsession over pleasure and pain.
I care less about what happens, my associations free up, you start to learn faster.
The whole draw towards religion is based on this idea of grace. "All we hope for is a little bit of grace", the grace of god, the elegance of divine action. If you look up the word grace, it starts to talk about excellence- another divine virtue. Basically it has to do with efficiency, which is getting the most out of your input in any given system. I use the word efficiency because it's useful language in many disciplines. It's not the most elegant, but it gets the message across.
The emergence of religion looks the same as the emergence of any other system. It obeys the same laws and general principals. Yes, I can draw the similarities between your urge to scratch your nose and the advent of the combustion engine. That's another story all together.
The biggest issue is that the larger the scale you look at things, the less you're able to take from each individual place. The inherent limitation is that you're only able to communicate with the adjacent scales of reference in anything that resembles an honest way.
Genius has as much to do with genetic material as how that genetic material is taken care of during gestation. Typically marked by an excess of struggle and unusual almost radioactive brilliance. Genius is a pretty loaded word and I try to avoid it, but I'm referencing the Greek idea of the genii which was your guardian spirit that acted through you when fed properly. It would give you certain powers and was responsible for every creation of excellence from man. Every person was born with one and you fed it gifts of the self.
Get it now? Selfless acts, the movement away from the "I" sense, the distancing from the pleasure/pain dynamic and the such mark improvement as I have mentioned.
Sometimes distant and seemingly cold, uncaring- yet kindhearted and generous; honest to a fault, blunt, forward, high energy, high metabolism; unflinching humor, wit, sense of absurdity; intelligent, analytic, higher functioning logical processing, emotional, hedonistic, outspoken, high confidence. The list goes on.
Each variation of this story is due to localization of information and the individual lens it's told through. As a necessity any foundation is wider than the peak, as such, higher functioning people are less common and I don't mean to label an entire person as higher functioning, but parts of people who are better suited to excel.
Syncopation and eudaimonismos.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Look Left
It was interesting to see my family tonight. I remained basically unchanged throughout the night, despite how much I had to drink. People often tell me how little they see my behavior change when I'm inebriated. Writing, now, at the end of the night, I would expect to see little change in the meter or footprint of my writing. It's one in the morning, I've been sipping 12 year old scotch and you know what the last joke of the evening was? "You're funny because you don't care."
You know, but excuse me, I don't really care. I was laughing as my aunt told me the time she got two huge black eyes on her honey moon. I was, actually... the only one laughing... well, I laughed because she was standing there drinking champagne at her father-in-law's 90 year birthday. I'm sorry, but shit goes rather well. It's 1 in the morning and there are still bottles that remain unopened. We had as good a time as possible. We hit the fucking limit there. Shit is good right now so when you're telling me your sob story about a rather comedic adventure in China, I'm going to laugh.
Tonight the daughter of a woman who near broke her nose on a sliding glass door was sobbing at the sight of blood. I told the daughter that it was simply an accident. After realizing that this girl was going to continue to react this way regardless of what I did or said, I simply let her react as she would have. Get it out of your system. Morn the breaking of your mother's skin- whatever the shit you have to do! Get on with it! I've suffered enough in my life to recognize when someone just has to bitch. You know, go for it. Get it all out. People just walk up to me and tell me their life stories because I understand them.
Ok, yeah, I did that too. I get that. I understand that. That fucking hurt. Yeah, I did that just last week. I actually experience quite a number of what my friend bring to me. I've been through quite a lot and I think my indifference seems to express to people that I have nothing to add. This is quite the opposite. I know what you're experiencing so I know you can survive it. I also know, for having survived it, that you will learn something valuable from it.
I understand you're cutesy little social gestures. I know when someone wants to sleep with me. I know when someone is trying suggest something without outright saying it. Nine out of ten times, I know what you fucking mean to say when you don't really say it. I know the exact metabolic structures that are effected when you drink and how it effects your behavior- you know donkeys eat fermented fruit in Africa? They stumble around like- well, jackasses. I understand this and I just don't fucking care.
There are thousands of mannerisms that will give someone away. Each person I come in contact with, I download a copy of each set of behaviors and tell-signs. Ten seconds in to any conversation, I can tell, with 80% certainty, exactly the set of emotions and thoughts you're presently experiencing. I have no idea how to market this skill set, or any way to make money on this, but I'm sure I could if I cared more about money. Frankly, it's a more or less useless substance beyond a certain scale of application. If I have food in my belly and a roof over my head, shit is fucking grand. I don't need 12 year old scotch or fancy lobster ravioli (though they were fucking spectacular), I just need X, and that is achieved with very fucking little. I could live, fully supported, by the financing of a single uncle or aunt without causing any discomfort. I could live on ritz crackers and $1 chili. Seriously, I know where to get the deals.
I am both terrified and confidant about my trip to LA. I could fucking excel. I could rule the fucking world on the skill-set I have; or I could totally live in abject poverty. That is far from the truth, but it gives you a perspective on the range I live in. What I do tomorrow could end in total failure with no hope of redemption, or I could totally walk on the moon with what I got. John Malcovich explains this phenomenon beautifully in an interview I saw him in.
And you know what? I'm not fucking stupid. I've got this knowledge on fucking lockdown. This kid at work was talking shit and I turned to him and straight up said "let me spit some knowledge on a fool"- you know, educate some folks. Keep in mind, this is a team who's sole application process is dependent on capability of operating a tape measure. Excuse me? I've known how to FUCKING MEASURE shit since I could calculate. My depth perception is shit, but I know how tall I am and I can gauge quite a number of things without really thinking about it. I don't think people quite understand my ability to really address the situation at hand. Boom, a clearly defined problem and an even easier solution. Yeah, what the fuck ever, you'll make it till tomorrow. My hands are decorated with splinters, scabs, scrapes and bruises. No one today noticed and it wouldn't much matter if they did.
I fucking work. I take on 40 hours a week at Target and then take care of my uncle, my grandfather, my neurotic family and my own host of issues. I expend more energy than most people I know but do you know what hey see? They see a kid sitting still, practicing being silent, otherwise being a bore and killing the party. Excuse me but your party sucked to begin with. It died on it's own volition. I'm speaking to certain parts of the party tonight, not the party in it's entirety. I had a rather large amount of fun tonight, though few would be able to see that. I find that the people I get along with best are those that are introspective enough to sit quietly. They listen, they are able to provide adequate and honest feedback. They don't much care for the rumble of the nonsense because they have the patience and experience to deal with the situation at hand. I enjoy the company of the integral and mature. I enjoy people who can stand fearless against those who do bad unto them. I dig folks who are not easily swayed- who dance that balance between chaos and order- those who understand strife and actively challenge me.
I don't see anything wrong with that.
Excuse me, I don't care.
Do what you will.
You know, but excuse me, I don't really care. I was laughing as my aunt told me the time she got two huge black eyes on her honey moon. I was, actually... the only one laughing... well, I laughed because she was standing there drinking champagne at her father-in-law's 90 year birthday. I'm sorry, but shit goes rather well. It's 1 in the morning and there are still bottles that remain unopened. We had as good a time as possible. We hit the fucking limit there. Shit is good right now so when you're telling me your sob story about a rather comedic adventure in China, I'm going to laugh.
Tonight the daughter of a woman who near broke her nose on a sliding glass door was sobbing at the sight of blood. I told the daughter that it was simply an accident. After realizing that this girl was going to continue to react this way regardless of what I did or said, I simply let her react as she would have. Get it out of your system. Morn the breaking of your mother's skin- whatever the shit you have to do! Get on with it! I've suffered enough in my life to recognize when someone just has to bitch. You know, go for it. Get it all out. People just walk up to me and tell me their life stories because I understand them.
Ok, yeah, I did that too. I get that. I understand that. That fucking hurt. Yeah, I did that just last week. I actually experience quite a number of what my friend bring to me. I've been through quite a lot and I think my indifference seems to express to people that I have nothing to add. This is quite the opposite. I know what you're experiencing so I know you can survive it. I also know, for having survived it, that you will learn something valuable from it.
I understand you're cutesy little social gestures. I know when someone wants to sleep with me. I know when someone is trying suggest something without outright saying it. Nine out of ten times, I know what you fucking mean to say when you don't really say it. I know the exact metabolic structures that are effected when you drink and how it effects your behavior- you know donkeys eat fermented fruit in Africa? They stumble around like- well, jackasses. I understand this and I just don't fucking care.
There are thousands of mannerisms that will give someone away. Each person I come in contact with, I download a copy of each set of behaviors and tell-signs. Ten seconds in to any conversation, I can tell, with 80% certainty, exactly the set of emotions and thoughts you're presently experiencing. I have no idea how to market this skill set, or any way to make money on this, but I'm sure I could if I cared more about money. Frankly, it's a more or less useless substance beyond a certain scale of application. If I have food in my belly and a roof over my head, shit is fucking grand. I don't need 12 year old scotch or fancy lobster ravioli (though they were fucking spectacular), I just need X, and that is achieved with very fucking little. I could live, fully supported, by the financing of a single uncle or aunt without causing any discomfort. I could live on ritz crackers and $1 chili. Seriously, I know where to get the deals.
I am both terrified and confidant about my trip to LA. I could fucking excel. I could rule the fucking world on the skill-set I have; or I could totally live in abject poverty. That is far from the truth, but it gives you a perspective on the range I live in. What I do tomorrow could end in total failure with no hope of redemption, or I could totally walk on the moon with what I got. John Malcovich explains this phenomenon beautifully in an interview I saw him in.
And you know what? I'm not fucking stupid. I've got this knowledge on fucking lockdown. This kid at work was talking shit and I turned to him and straight up said "let me spit some knowledge on a fool"- you know, educate some folks. Keep in mind, this is a team who's sole application process is dependent on capability of operating a tape measure. Excuse me? I've known how to FUCKING MEASURE shit since I could calculate. My depth perception is shit, but I know how tall I am and I can gauge quite a number of things without really thinking about it. I don't think people quite understand my ability to really address the situation at hand. Boom, a clearly defined problem and an even easier solution. Yeah, what the fuck ever, you'll make it till tomorrow. My hands are decorated with splinters, scabs, scrapes and bruises. No one today noticed and it wouldn't much matter if they did.
I fucking work. I take on 40 hours a week at Target and then take care of my uncle, my grandfather, my neurotic family and my own host of issues. I expend more energy than most people I know but do you know what hey see? They see a kid sitting still, practicing being silent, otherwise being a bore and killing the party. Excuse me but your party sucked to begin with. It died on it's own volition. I'm speaking to certain parts of the party tonight, not the party in it's entirety. I had a rather large amount of fun tonight, though few would be able to see that. I find that the people I get along with best are those that are introspective enough to sit quietly. They listen, they are able to provide adequate and honest feedback. They don't much care for the rumble of the nonsense because they have the patience and experience to deal with the situation at hand. I enjoy the company of the integral and mature. I enjoy people who can stand fearless against those who do bad unto them. I dig folks who are not easily swayed- who dance that balance between chaos and order- those who understand strife and actively challenge me.
I don't see anything wrong with that.
Excuse me, I don't care.
Do what you will.
Friday, June 10, 2011
yin and yang
At one point I broke down crying, begging my mother not to institutionalize me. At the time, my worst fear was to resign myself to a person or system that knew less about what went on in my head than I did. No one in my family, or anyone I knew, had any intention of "sending me off". If anything, they just thought I was a little strange and, at worst, a tad depressed.
It boarders on a religious experience. I talk about it in terms of spirituality- other people call it God. I really don't care how I talk about it as long as I get the message across. The lotus erupting through the mud. It's a self-catalytic set and it's beautiful.
It boarders on a religious experience. I talk about it in terms of spirituality- other people call it God. I really don't care how I talk about it as long as I get the message across. The lotus erupting through the mud. It's a self-catalytic set and it's beautiful.
Friday, June 3, 2011
quick
For me, going into a new situation brings totally different networks of ideas. I could start sweeping and visually see all the different networks associated with sweeping. It's zen. The feel of the handle, the reaction against the floor, the dispersement of dust and the such.
Each person I talk with, every motion I do, I'm continually editing my experience and measuring reactions. I like working in teams because it's more efficient. I enjoy conservancy of energy. I really love to learn things. I love working with my hands for that tactile experience. People don't like to walk barefoot, but I used to all the time- out on the a'a lava of hawaii.
With each experience, this network appears. I can visualize my neurobiology and actively change it. When I was a kid, I was amazed that my parents wouldn't let me do certain things. I learned how to knife fight when I was five years old, yet I didn't start to curse until I was 13. I realize I curse too much now. That's going to change. See, all of metacognition studies tell us that we first must understand our behavior before we can change it. Honesty allows us to accurately see what is going on- to remove ourselves from the situation. The problem is I don't know anybody like me. I have no group to go run to. Every spiritual practice eventually runs into some silly little story to obsess over. The excellence of sports are killed in the presentation; the media is all about red verses blue instead of the actual struggle that is the sport. etc.
It's easy for me to deduce things otherwise undiscovered. Every time I seem to join in any team activity, I provide something essential, even if the others don't recognize it. I don't care to flaunt what I can do, for the simple reason that the action is the virtue, not the opinion of it. I like to keep this little journal but it's only a single beam of light from a round diamond.
Each person I talk with, every motion I do, I'm continually editing my experience and measuring reactions. I like working in teams because it's more efficient. I enjoy conservancy of energy. I really love to learn things. I love working with my hands for that tactile experience. People don't like to walk barefoot, but I used to all the time- out on the a'a lava of hawaii.
With each experience, this network appears. I can visualize my neurobiology and actively change it. When I was a kid, I was amazed that my parents wouldn't let me do certain things. I learned how to knife fight when I was five years old, yet I didn't start to curse until I was 13. I realize I curse too much now. That's going to change. See, all of metacognition studies tell us that we first must understand our behavior before we can change it. Honesty allows us to accurately see what is going on- to remove ourselves from the situation. The problem is I don't know anybody like me. I have no group to go run to. Every spiritual practice eventually runs into some silly little story to obsess over. The excellence of sports are killed in the presentation; the media is all about red verses blue instead of the actual struggle that is the sport. etc.
It's easy for me to deduce things otherwise undiscovered. Every time I seem to join in any team activity, I provide something essential, even if the others don't recognize it. I don't care to flaunt what I can do, for the simple reason that the action is the virtue, not the opinion of it. I like to keep this little journal but it's only a single beam of light from a round diamond.
Zip zap zop
Double-tap on a missed beat. Snuffed candle on-screen.
i can haz chezburger?
Parking break on a fixed speed bicycle.
Pedaling backwards anyway.
Can't stop the beat.
It's wrong and I'm loving it.
i can haz chezburger?
Parking break on a fixed speed bicycle.
Pedaling backwards anyway.
Can't stop the beat.
It's wrong and I'm loving it.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Lacking
http://www.larouchepac.com/node/18273
Watch that video. ^^^
For me, it is really difficult to listen to that kind of political talk. I'm not political at all. It's very difficult for me to be. I know, very specifically my philosophical stance but I don't know how to apply that into politics. I can HEAR when it is being applied, which makes it easy to align to certain policy, I don't know how to create policy. I think it's important to learn how to write in legal format so people in that industry of politics will not have any question as to what you want. Not complicated in the slightest, but legally written.
Even though I know what I want to say, I don't know how to say it in that language. I could explain it in terms of biology, physical systems, physics, neurology or behavior, but I don't know the language I could best use. I don't have that tool.
Watch that video. ^^^
For me, it is really difficult to listen to that kind of political talk. I'm not political at all. It's very difficult for me to be. I know, very specifically my philosophical stance but I don't know how to apply that into politics. I can HEAR when it is being applied, which makes it easy to align to certain policy, I don't know how to create policy. I think it's important to learn how to write in legal format so people in that industry of politics will not have any question as to what you want. Not complicated in the slightest, but legally written.
Even though I know what I want to say, I don't know how to say it in that language. I could explain it in terms of biology, physical systems, physics, neurology or behavior, but I don't know the language I could best use. I don't have that tool.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)