doors

I wake and find my face caked in neon dust. I feel filthy in the way after a good scrubbing. Plastic clothes, ruffles, a tiny hat. I wake as a clown, parading around for these people. There's a chalky feeling in my throat that dries out my words. Makes them brittle. fragments.

it's easy to dance in the tune of a single drum. to juggle a single ball. that is what most people do- excellent at a single task. taoist scripture says that to be a real person you cannot simply know a single thing. you must pursue the multitude and act them out judiciously. 

"Those who observe one thing and understand one art are mediocre people.

Those with a comprehensive purview and inclusive grasp of things, who assess abilities and employ them judiciously, are sages."

one million blood red buffalo stampede a graygray pasture. cowboys shooting their pistols in the air. my tiny hairs on my head stand ablaze. headaches of roaming storms trying to find a way out. a way into the world. by the time I get to a page the storms have mostly killed themselves off. fragments only. dust in the wind. 

it's an interesting thing- state dependent information. it's the kind of thing the vodun practitioners evoke during a ceremony. "altered states" hah. I saw a gaggle of elderly hipsters escape the movie theater today. each trying their best to fit into the group identity. I saw how little they fit those molds. the fat they had to cut to even appear to fit. butchered minds. it's like an inward spiral. stay in the same pattern long enough and you land in a singularity. a dead space. circling the drain towards improper emptiness. worship of a false god. they perform the actions but with an empty heart. these are people that cause great suffering. I have pity for them in my better days and anger in the worst. better to strike the method than the man but for those who choose to be lost, the ones who seek estrangement from the divine, those are the people I should avoid. it isn't worth talking with them because I'll only create suffering. like trying to swat a fly with a hammer- you're going to fuck up the house. 

someone asked me today what the practical application was for my philosophy. I had to laugh, but I knew that no matter how I explained it, there was no way for her to understand. if you have to ask, you don't know. this kind of thing cannot be explained in any amount of words. I could write a complete explanation and no matter how logical- convulsions. oh god. just listening to them causes me agony. close friends ask if I'm depressed. typical sorrow has no place here. it doesn't boost my confidence or make me feel better if you say that I'm smart. I'm not smart. not at all. it has nothing to do with my accomplishments or actions. I do nothing in this world as you know it. if I did, I wouldn't be able to do the things I do. 

dull people, lesser people- they stand on their heads and see the world backwards. average people chase after suffering and equally fleeting glimpses of promise. they juggle a single ball. higher people- think about it. it's exponential. it's not just juggling two balls, it's entire universes. literally, I understand multiple realities at once and it isn't anything other people can -properly- understand without doing it themselves. I can understand the intimacies of the world you live in as if it were my own. I once synthesized a woman's lifestyle within ten seconds and verified it against her longtime friend. there is nothing to fear from this, it's as natural as the rain. no harm can be done of it. it isn't that I would never use it to harm another person, I'm incapable of it. I'd be driven mad as soon as I attempted it. crushed under the weight of my own wrongdoing. heaven itself would not allow anything to contradict it's motions. 

I'm tired.