the work

I've been in some dark places. No matter how much of the divine I consume, I'm always thrown back into the dirt. My eagerness to achieve that which is most holy is actually keeping me back in the dirt.

My desire keeps me from realizing what I desire.

I used to dream of flying- and I knew it was possible. The dreams kept me from realizing how I could actually do it. Sometimes the only way to fly is to jump. Let go of the earth to realize heaven. But it is exactly for that reason that we find we can't jump.

SO! What do I do? I get depressed. I throw my mind about in ways it ought not be thrown. You don't know how far you can really fall until you skim the clouds with your fingertips. The horror of decent actually speeds my fall. I clog up, lose that feeling, overcompensate and then... depression.

I think it is primarily my environment. I don't have anyone to talk to. Not dedicated anyway. My awake friends drift in and out of lucidity.

What is least favorable about my experience is that not only am I surrounded by suffering people, they feel the need to inflict their suffering onto me. I must suffer as they do or else it causes them greater pain. I think I should study more about Buddhism to learn how to deal with this kind of thing.

I think often about suicide. I could never do it, but the option gives me comfort. I have been told frequently that my options are limited depending on the circumstances. Perhaps I'm one of the few that sees the diversity of choice available.

And yet... and yet I'm fucking stuck. Just have to keep it together. It's nearly my 22nd birthday and I'm moving back in with my mom and her boyfriend. I can't believe it.

I don't know anymore. Never did, really. I can see this beautiful patchwork, but I can't find a suitable way to fit inside it.

If only

One of the best tricks in my repertoire is asking questions I know the answer to. It creates the illusion that I don't know the answer to something and allows me to guide the thought process of the subject towards a specific conclusion. In essence it tricks them into thinking they came up with the answer by themselves, if they come up with an answer at all.
Another good trick is telling a false personal story that has to do with the issue the subject is having. I'll tell a story about how I performed some great deed in order to illustrate that a particular event is even possible. I'll tell another person's story as my own or I'll modify some lesser known folktale. It works surprisingly well because if you never let on that you are where you are, people assume that you're at where they are at. It's an interesting logical fallacy that I often play with. I'll adjust my experience to meet theirs and then modify our shared experience to match mine.

Trickster shape shifting at it's finest.

SO! A close friend of mine just told me "I just realized, you're not stupid OR weak!"

Hah.

Is there any question?

1200 grit + gel coat = illustration of self-organization.

Boom. Headshot.

Notice anything peculiar?

^ Kabuki face paint

"Important characteristics of kabuki include the mie (見得), in which the actor holds a picturesque pose to establish his character.[16] At this point his house name (yagō, 屋号) is sometimes heard in loud shout (kakegoe, 掛け声) from an expert audience member, serving both to express and enhance the audience's appreciation of the actor's achievement. An even greater compliment can be paid by shouting the name of the actor's father. Keshō, kabuki makeup, provides an element of style easily recognizable even by those unfamiliar with the art form. Rice powder is used to create the white oshiroi base, and kumadori enhances or exaggerates facial lines to produce dramatic animal or supernatural masks for the actors. The color of the kumadori is an expression of the character's nature: red lines are used to indicate passion, heroism, righteousness, and other positive traits; blue or black, villainy, jealousy, and other negative traits; green, the supernatural; and purple, nobility." Kincaid, Zoe (1925). Kabuki: The Popular Stage of Japan. London: MacMillan and Co. pp21–22.



^ Illustration of four humors

The four humors of Hippocratic medicine were black bile (melankholia - despondent, sleepless, irritable), yellow bile (cholera - easily angered, bad tempered), phlegm (phlegma - calm, unemotional), and blood (sanguis - courageous, hopeful, amorous). - Wikipedia



^ Scene from Chinese classic, Journey to the West

Xuánzàng- the Buddhist monk who set out to India to retrieve the Buddhist scriptures for China. He is called Tripitaka in many English versions of the story. Although he is helpless when it comes to defending himself, the bodhisattva Guānyīn helps by finding him powerful disciples who aid and protect him on his journey.
Sūn Wùkōng- is the name given to this character by his teacher, Patriarch Subhuti, which means "Awakened to Emptiness" (in the Waley translation, Aware-of-Vacuity); he is called Monkey King in English. There are parallels between the character and Hanuman, the Hindu monkey god of India[4]
Zhū Bājiè- ("Pig of the Eight Prohibitions") is also known as Zhū Wùnéng ("Pig Awakened to Power"), and given the name Pigsy, Monk Pig or just simply Pig in English. Once an immortal who was the Tiānpéng-yuánshuǎi ("Marshal Tianpeng") of 100,000 soldiers of the Milky Way, during a celebration of gods, he drank too much and attempted to flirt with Cháng'é, the beautiful moon goddess, resulting in his banishment into the mortal world.
Shā Wùjìng- (literally meaning "Sand Awakened to Purity"), given the name Friar Sand or Sandy in English, was once the Curtain Raising General, who stood in attendance by the imperial chariot in the Hall of Miraculous Mist. He was exiled to the mortal world and made to look like a monster because he accidentally smashed a crystal goblet belonging to the Heavenly Queen Mother during the Peach Banquet. The now-hideous immortal took up residence in the Flowing Sands River, terrorizing the surrounding villages and travelers trying to cross the river. However, he was subdued by Sun Wukong and Zhu Bajie when Xuanzang's party came across him. They consequently took him in, as part of the pilgrimage to the West.



^ Wizard of Oz

Glinda advises Dorothy to seek the help of the mysterious Wizard of Oz in the Emerald City, which she can reach by following the yellow brick road. She warns Dorothy never to remove the slippers or she will be at the mercy of the Wicked Witch.
On her way to the city, Dorothy meets a Scarecrow (Ray Bolger) with no brain, a Tin Man (Jack Haley) with no heart, and a Cowardly Lion (Bert Lahr), who can all talk, and the three decide to accompany Dorothy in the hopes that the Wizard will also give them their desires. Along the way, they behave in ways which demonstrate that they already have the qualities they believe they lack: The Scarecrow has several good ideas, the Tin Man is kind and sympathetic, and the Lion is ready to face danger, even though he is terrified.

Sorry Charlie

A month or two ago it used to be that I could only understand a person's behavior as far back as conception. I could see why a person had a nervous tic in their shoulders, but now I can see into their ancestry. I saw a man today and I could see twelve generations into his linage. 612 to 864 years! I come from a long line of change agents. I was born of two worlds, the warrior and the healer to a world with boundaries that I could redraw at will; I was the force that could pass through barriers others could not.

It is not without it's great irony that the unscientific mythos of yesteryear most aptly describes this phenomenon. I noticed today at the movies that they were our linage of story telling- a fundamental part of culture if ever there was one. This one, tainted with authoritarian values, commanded attention with both the size and presence of the screen, as well as the demand for silence and the railed off seating. You sit there like a good little citizen and you watch this film.

Do you remember a time before advertisements? I mean, now it's all pervasive on the internet with three minute advertisements in movie theaters now. They stretched the time between movies just to fit more advertisement time. They did that so you'd sit down to ads before the film. THEN they add more crap right before the film. Video game trailers and product infomercials. Remember when you'd go to the movies, wait for the film to end, fight your way past all the people walking out and then sit down for five minutes before the movie started? Your children will never know that. In fact, your children won't know much because in 30-70 years the population will double and we'll be consuming 20x the available resources so buckle your fucking seatbelts.

The world they grow up in, the world they become accustomed to, will never be the same again. Each generation unprepared to take care of the next, holding dearly to the temperamental and largely outdated values of the past; decomposing, standing up, in a stiff breeze.

And when I talk like this in public, you can see the tears of recognition swell shut the eyes. You can see the panicked victimization of memory in their behavior. I can watch the individual mechanisms working their way through the system, how corroded it is to be bound to such a way. I can see their logic tumbling about like a ball in a chute game. A, B,... OH, ok, ok... uhhh... C, shit. uhh..f?. shit. D! Meanwhile I'm trying to slow to an average cognition speed of the 58 facets of a round, brilliant cut diamond multiplied by the 400 - 700 wavelengths of visible light which, if you're wondering, comes out to 23,200 - 40,600 wonderful new ideas by the time they figure out what they want to even start to consider. This is called monkey mind and I embrace it because it let's me slip past all the gatekeepers in this world. 


Yes, I can tell you about reincarnation and cultural mythos and the truth of the world, but you would hardly even be able to understand it. In the heat of it all, I sometimes forget my humility and make an ass out of myself. It's difficult because I have to be 'ON' 200% of the time. I can't fit in this culture as other people do and I have to keep myself from falling into the two traps of dysfunction. If I don't look at it enough, I fall into a hole, never to see the light again. If I stare directly into the sun, my eyes and wings burn away and I descend into a pile of ash. If I stay perfectly in harmony, some cultural sadist will come along and force his perversions onto me because he can't stand even the mere thought of anything that isn't vile and set against the world. While I'm just as good a destroyer, he does not destroy with purpose. The devil is pure aggression without reason. The clown is knowingness without purpose. The princess is elegance without action. The prince is misplaced action. The king is the empty leader. The knight is the tilted justice. Each archetype playing it's role in this tilted world. 


In this world, you all demand that I play the trickster. Each person I meet commands me to play the role by implication of the intense need for trickster. They beg for it on their hands and knees. When I agree, they take their stance as the archetype and make their scheduled moves and try to learn from how I dance around them. They are trying to learn the path of the open palm by clenching tighter. I try to explain this through song or dance or by pure reason but they insist that if they JUST clench TIGHT ENOUGH, the hand will open and all will be revealed. 


... well.

Circus

Dreaming of earthly pillars and sun gods today. Trying to figure out how to tease the divinity out of the unknowing. Not going well. Lots of yelling. Being told I'm "Not an animal"... totally crazy.

I'm an animal and I'm damn proud of it.

UPDATED

Being self aware, having heightened perception and pattern seeking tendencies are evolutionary traits with survival value.

Biological evolution brings a species into harmony with it's environment.
      
The best harmony is a state of symbiosis where mutually beneficial exchange exists at personal, communal and ecological levels. (For reasons of simplicity, I call this "Utopia") 

The purpose of the mind's ability to track pattern brings us into a state of utopia.

You don't say!

. .-. . - .... .- -.-- / .- .-. . .-- .- -.-- / .- -. -.-- -- .- -.-- / .. .- .-.. . -.-. - ... -.. .- -.-- / .- -. -.. .-- .- -.-- / --- .-. -- ... ..-. .- -.-- / --- ..-. .-- .- -.-- / .. --. .--. .- -.-- / .- - .. -. .-.. .- -.-- / .. -.-. .... .-- .... .- -.-- / .- .-. -.-- ...- .- -.-- / --- -- ..-. .-. .- -.-- / . --. .. --- -. .-. .- -.-- / --- - .- -.-- / . --. .. --- -. .-. .- -.-- --..-- / --- ..- -. - .-. -.-- -.-. .- -.-- / --- - .- -.-- / --- ..- -. - .-. -.-- -.-. .- -.-- --..-- / .- -. -.. .-- .- -.-- / .- -. --. ..- .- --. . .-.. .- -.-- / --- - .- -.-- / .- -. --. ..- .- --. . .-.. .- -.-- --..-- / .- ... .-- .- -.-- / . .-.. .-.. .-- .- -.-- / .- ... .-- .- -.-- / --- - .... . .-. .-- .- -.-- / .. -- .. .-.. .- .-. ... .- -.-- --..-- / .- -. -.. .-- .- -.-- / .. ... ... .. -- .. .-.. .- .-. -.. .- -.-- --..-- / .. --. .--. .- -.-- / .- - .. -. .-.. .- -.-- -....- / .. -.- . .-.. .- -.-- / .----. .- -. --. ..- .- --. . ... .----. .-.. .- -.-- .-.-.- / . - .... .- -.-- / .. .- .-.. . -.-. - -.. .- -.-- / --- .-- -. ... .... .- -.-- / . .-. . .... .- -.-- / . -. -.. ... - .- -.-- / --- - .- -.-- / .- .. .-.. .... .- -.-- / --- -- ..-. .-. .- -.-- / .- .-.. .. ..-. --- .-. -. .. .- -.-. .- -.-- -..-. . ... - .-- .- -.-- / --- .- ... - -.-. .- -.-- / --- ..-. .-- .- -.-- / . - .... .- -.-- / ..- -. .. - . -.. .-- .- -.-- / .- - . ... ... - .- -.-- .-.-.-

"What time do you want to have dinner?"
"Oh, I could eat now. I don't care."
"It's 4. No one eats dinner at 4."
"That's arbitrary."

I know why the caged bird sings

Tell me if this makes sense (spoiler: unified theory of human evolution- implications to unified theory of everything)

Being self aware, having heightened perception and pattern seeking tendencies are evolutionary traits with survival value.

The purpose of biological evolution is to bring a species into harmony with it's environment.
    
The best harmony is a state of utopia.

The purpose of the mind's ability to track pattern is to bring us into a state of utopia.

http://socksonfloor.blogspot.com/2010/11/updated.html (UPDATED! SEE LINK FOR NEW VERSION)

Geologic Shifts

When did I become the guy who reads fine print for fun and goes to sleep to videos of explanations of irrationalities?! I've never read Catcher in the Rye but I've read the Misfortunes of Virtue by the Marquis de Sade. Sade... as in the gran'pappy of sadism. Maybe that is why I read fine print. And there you go, a full circle. I'm fascinated by the sadism and dysfunction of corporate policies- OR "Business Ethics" if there is such a thing. A lot of my friends have gone to college to study business. This seems like a poor idea. Look at the business we have today. Most of the stuff I think about either reduces to simplicity or absurdity. I can categorize my life into those two functions of the mind.

Then you have things that are both simple AND absurd. We call those things simply absurd and we try our best not to avoid them. That's right, I run head-on into that which challenges my world perspective. Mental flexibility is paramount. Once you realize that simplicity and absurdity are part of the same thing, you can start understanding the big picture.




"And I'd been extremely interested in this notion of randomness as it produces architectural work and as it definitely connects to the notion of the city, an accretional notion of the city, and that led to various ideas of organization. And then this led to broader ideas of buildings that come together through the multiplicity of systems." -Thom Mayne

"Architecture for me has been an investigation of a multiplicity of forces that could come from literally any place. And so I can start this discussion in any number of places, and I've chosen three or four to talk about. And it has also to do with an interest in the vast kind of territory that architecture touches. It literally is connected to anything in terms of knowledge base. There's just no place that it doesn't somehow have a connective tissue to."- Thom Mayne


---


I also had a vision last night that I toured my unborn daughter around the city of necropolis. That was interesting. 

Err

I'm standing on a mountain and I'm looking out to a sea- a desert of clouds. There is a man with a hawk head standing behind me with golden rays. I'm interpreting that to be the sun-god Ra, which would make the man behind him Anubis because he had the head of a dog-like thing. In Egyptian myth it is a jackal.

I'm standing on a mountain and I slowly realize it's at the top of a pyramid that is poking out of the clouds. I look directly into the sun and get a glimpse of insight that I almost immediately forget because I'm not ready. Well, now I know what I have to work on and where to find the next bit.