And again, and again, and...

No, I'm not smart. You see, if you don't learn a lesson, the same problem will keep coming up, over and over again. I keep hitting the same goddamn bumps. Dragged through the dirt.
Pick yourself up.
Pick yourself up.
Pick yourself up.
And I'm running again. Blaze of glory. Pillar of fire. Disregard for- oh shit. There it is again. That fucking bump in the road I keep hitting. Oh, I know that spot well- but not well enough.

It's a process of grinding it out and it certainly grinds me out. I hit the earth until I forget to drop and it becomes force of habit to avoid those pitfalls. My body moves by itself. It must be what those god-fearing people mean by putting faith in the lord. I put faith in that small part of myself to get back up. I rally that part of me.

As much as I've fucked up, as few of those lessons I've learned, I'm grinding this shit out daily. I wipe the taste of the floor out of my mouth with more of the floor. They say that Aikedo is the art of becoming one with the mat- onnacounta being thrown into it so many times. I certainly feel that. Sometimes things just flow- beyond any capability of my own devising. For a moment I'll do something beyond what I think I can do. Move without thinking.

I call that the clutch. It's what I live for. What cracks me up the most is that by TRYING to enter the clutch, I'm thrown onto the floor again. And again. And again. The beating is purifying, but it freaks me the fuck out. I don't know if I'll be able to get up after the next one. So I try to make excuses not to try. And I go on like that for a while until that becomes more intolerable than being crushed into the floor again. It doesn't take long. Twenty four hours of deep depression. Then I'm back, getting bludgeoned about by my own ignorance.

I don't know how to do this any better.
I don't know.
I don't know.

But some part of me still thinks I know.
And so I'm sure I'm going to take more beatings...
Until that part of me doesn't ask "How"
And instead, just fucking does it.

Here's to you, pavement. See you soon.
I'm a fuck up, but I'm an eager fuck up.
Let's do this.