And again, and again, and...

No, I'm not smart. You see, if you don't learn a lesson, the same problem will keep coming up, over and over again. I keep hitting the same goddamn bumps. Dragged through the dirt.
Pick yourself up.
Pick yourself up.
Pick yourself up.
And I'm running again. Blaze of glory. Pillar of fire. Disregard for- oh shit. There it is again. That fucking bump in the road I keep hitting. Oh, I know that spot well- but not well enough.

It's a process of grinding it out and it certainly grinds me out. I hit the earth until I forget to drop and it becomes force of habit to avoid those pitfalls. My body moves by itself. It must be what those god-fearing people mean by putting faith in the lord. I put faith in that small part of myself to get back up. I rally that part of me.

As much as I've fucked up, as few of those lessons I've learned, I'm grinding this shit out daily. I wipe the taste of the floor out of my mouth with more of the floor. They say that Aikedo is the art of becoming one with the mat- onnacounta being thrown into it so many times. I certainly feel that. Sometimes things just flow- beyond any capability of my own devising. For a moment I'll do something beyond what I think I can do. Move without thinking.

I call that the clutch. It's what I live for. What cracks me up the most is that by TRYING to enter the clutch, I'm thrown onto the floor again. And again. And again. The beating is purifying, but it freaks me the fuck out. I don't know if I'll be able to get up after the next one. So I try to make excuses not to try. And I go on like that for a while until that becomes more intolerable than being crushed into the floor again. It doesn't take long. Twenty four hours of deep depression. Then I'm back, getting bludgeoned about by my own ignorance.

I don't know how to do this any better.
I don't know.
I don't know.

But some part of me still thinks I know.
And so I'm sure I'm going to take more beatings...
Until that part of me doesn't ask "How"
And instead, just fucking does it.

Here's to you, pavement. See you soon.
I'm a fuck up, but I'm an eager fuck up.
Let's do this.

The Clinging, FIRE

Question: How do I tolerate this incredible weight? How is it that I can pass from being overwhelmed and exhausted to using this energy in a harmonic way? How can I make the transition from this incredible burden where I cannot function to that incredible flow where action arrives by itself?

Answer from the book of changes: http://deoxy.org/iching/30
30. Li / The Clinging, Fire

A luminous thing giving out light must have within itself something
that perseveres; otherwise it will in time burn itself out...
The great man continues the work of nature in the
human world...
Activity and haste prevail. It is important
then to preserve inner composure and not to allow oneself to be swept along
by the bustle of life. If one is serious and composed, he can acquire the clarity
of mind needed for coming to terms with the innumerable impressions that
pour in...
Yellow light is therefore a symbol of the highest culture
and art, whose consummate harmony consists in holding to the mean...
To the
superior man it makes no difference whether death comes early or late. He
cultivates himself, awaits his allotted time, and in this way secures his fate...
A man who is excitable and
restless may rise quickly to prominence but produces no lasting effects. Thus
matters end badly when a man spends himself too rapidly and consumes
himself...
...one may put aside both hope and fear, and sigh and lament: if
one is intent on retaining his clarity of mind, good fortune will come from
this grief.
Evil must be cured at its roots.