Part of being an integral person is public announcement. I've got not only to take a stand, but take a public stand. It's just how I roll, yo. So here we go.
I live in my mind too much.
"Duh" you might say, but until recently, I didn't think it was a problem.
It's only a disadvantage if you don't know how to use it-
But there has been some things I haven't been able to get over with it.
I deal so much in theory because I'm terrified of action. I'm scared because how powerful I am. I've hurt some people because I was so capable. When I was a kid I was really manipulative and, much worse, I was incredibly good at it. So when I changed my habits, I gave up a lot of that ability because I couldn't use it responsibly.
I used to go out with a plan. I had a list of things I would make happen. You know what percentage I got? 100%. I could work a crowd better than anybody I knew. Occasionally I dip back into that feeling, but I always get scared.
Theory is comfortable. You don't have to touch anything. You can relate it in ways where other people can take action for you, in ways you don't involve yourself with. Psh. Not "you", it's about ME. I don't have to touch anything with theory and it's starting to make me sick.
Bouts of deep depression, isolation, I'm losing my voice. My cultural voice. My personal voice. I'm fading away and I won't have it. No. No, I'm taking my voice back.
So here is my public announcement. This shit is hard. It fucking hurts to step out and do this. It feels like I'm whipping a pistol around in a crowd and I don't want to hurt people anymore but you know what? People get hurt. It's a fact of life. I HAVE to become more responsible about what I can do or else I'm just going to disappear.
You ever been on Merry Go Round? The big metal plates with the bars- not the automated kind with the horses. While it's spinning, the farther towards the center you get, the more centrifugal force you feel. If you can't sneak onto a playground like I can (lololol) just spin in one place with your arms out. When you pull your arms in, you spin faster and reach the vomit threshold quicker. Science is fun.
When I start to take action, I feel that same kind of centrifugal heaviness. The more in my mind I am, the more mass I take, which makes taking action that much worse. When I'm really doing well, I have no mass and I reside in the center. No mass means no outward force; existing in the center means the greatest angle of rotation. Minus all the awkward science bullshit (oh, please, please let me explain hurricane physics! It's relevant, I promise!) when I'm stuck in my mind I do LOTS of WORK and get little done. When I'm free of that and can relax into whatever I'm doing, I get an INCREDIBLE amount of things done and do very, very little work.
A few people have seen me in those moments. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced, and to be fair, it's much more than simply getting out of my mind. For me, that is what I'm hindered by, so that's what I focus on. OR.... not focus on? i can haz paradox?
SO! How do I take on this herculean task? I've written "NOW" all over my apartment to help remind me about my issues of procrastination. It seems that when I don't procrastinate, it forces me into situations that in tern force me outside of my comfort zone- out of my mind. When I become uncomfortable it creates tension. That tension highlights what I need to work on- and then I work on that! WHICH IS AWESOME. SELF BETTERMENT IS SO GODDAMN SEXY.
Anyway.
Going to Occupy LA this Saturday.
Action.
Badass.
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