J. M. W. Turner

Butterfly in a Hurricane

Part of being an integral person is public announcement. I've got not only to take a stand, but take a public stand. It's just how I roll, yo. So here we go.

I live in my mind too much.
"Duh" you might say, but until recently, I didn't think it was a problem.
It's only a disadvantage if you don't know how to use it-
But there has been some things I haven't been able to get over with it.

I deal so much in theory because I'm terrified of action. I'm scared because how powerful I am. I've hurt some people because I was so capable. When I was a kid I was really manipulative and, much worse, I was incredibly good at it. So when I changed my habits, I gave up a lot of that ability because I couldn't use it responsibly.

I used to go out with a plan. I had a list of things I would make happen. You know what percentage I got? 100%. I could work a crowd better than anybody I knew. Occasionally I dip back into that feeling, but I always get scared.

Theory is comfortable. You don't have to touch anything. You can relate it in ways where other people can take action for you, in ways you don't involve yourself with. Psh. Not "you", it's about ME. I don't have to touch anything with theory and it's starting to make me sick.

Bouts of deep depression, isolation, I'm losing my voice. My cultural voice. My personal voice. I'm fading away and I won't have it. No. No, I'm taking my voice back.

So here is my public announcement. This shit is hard. It fucking hurts to step out and do this. It feels like I'm whipping a pistol around in a crowd and I don't want to hurt people anymore but you know what? People get hurt. It's a fact of life. I HAVE to become more responsible about what I can do or else I'm just going to disappear.

You ever been on Merry Go Round? The big metal plates with the bars- not the automated kind with the horses. While it's spinning, the farther towards the center you get, the more centrifugal force you feel. If you can't sneak onto a playground like I can (lololol) just spin in one place with your arms out. When you pull your arms in, you spin faster and reach the vomit threshold quicker. Science is fun.

When I start to take action, I feel that same kind of centrifugal heaviness. The more in my mind I am, the more mass I take, which makes taking action that much worse. When I'm really doing well, I have no mass and I reside in the center. No mass means no outward force; existing in the center means the greatest angle of rotation. Minus all the awkward science bullshit (oh, please, please let me explain hurricane physics! It's relevant, I promise!) when I'm stuck in my mind I do LOTS of WORK and get little done. When I'm free of that and can relax into whatever I'm doing, I get an INCREDIBLE amount of things done and do very, very little work.

A few people have seen me in those moments. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced, and to be fair, it's much more than simply getting out of my mind. For me, that is what I'm hindered by, so that's what I focus on. OR.... not focus on? i can haz paradox?

SO! How do I take on this herculean task? I've written "NOW" all over my apartment to help remind me about my issues of procrastination. It seems that when I don't procrastinate, it forces me into situations that in tern force me outside of my comfort zone- out of my mind. When I become uncomfortable it creates tension. That tension highlights what I need to work on- and then I work on that! WHICH IS AWESOME. SELF BETTERMENT IS SO GODDAMN SEXY.

Anyway.
Going to Occupy LA this Saturday.
Action.
Badass.

But what do you mean?

Friends and people I talk with often get confused to what I mean to say. Here's an explanation.

I recently wrote this little bit that's very near and dear to my heart.
"I'm a bohemian, but to me, so are you"
This is not what I mean to say at all. You see, a bohemian is a person that lives outside the normal way of operating. A person of fringe culture, a gypsy. Another way of saying what I mean to say would be...
"I'm an irrational, but to me, so are you"
I don't mean to pull the idea of logic into this at all either. It has nothing to do with the functions of logic or of social structure- what we choose to or are capable of adhering to.
Part of the problem is not that the phrase is so goddamn vague. The main issue, the crux to this message, and all of my personal messages really, is that it's an explanation of all things through one thing. I'm trying to show you and every person who experiences me what it is like to see the cosmos in a piece of beach wood.
I am outside of XYZ and I recognize openly, in a very public way, that YOU are also outside of XYZ. XYZ being that which you believe you're in. I can see the republican nature within the democrat and it isn't my fault if they can't see it.

This is, of course, saying that black is the same as white, which very few people can readily understand. So they generally have an awful time trying to figure out what the hell I mean by calling them a gypsy. It isn't readily available. It's very difficult to wrestle with intellectually. And that's ok! Don't stress it.

Resolved Paradox

To the townspeople, a new person can be strange.
To a stranger, everything is strange. So you start to wonder.
To a true and perennial stranger, is the feeling of strange in itself strange?

What I mean to ask is this.
To the husbander, to the steward of a property, a section of land is home.
To the wanderer, to those who's house is between houses, is their home not more grand?
Doesn't it include the land that other people call their homes?

Point in case.
If I give up all that is 'MINE'
does 'YOURS' lose it's ownership?

I don't believe, objectively.
(I just like saying that)

I was called fay today. = vaguely otherworldly.
I can dig it.

The rhyme to my rap sounds a lot different than how other people speak.
Sometimes that bothers me.
But then I listen to what they have to say.

Paradox resolved.
Well, that's settled.