Joke's on you

Thinking quickly.

I think I began intentionally speeding up the way I think when I became a showman among my friends. I guess I was 12 or so at the time and I was fiercely competitive when it came to being the center of attention. I employed a few tricks to keep all eyes on me and I became exceedingly good at it. As a kid I was always incredibly outgoing; walking up to tables full of beautiful women and making them all laugh when I was about 5 or so. I had the entire wedding party for my uncle circle around me while I brake danced at about age 8. I've always been able to bend a crowd when I've wanted to.

First, I had to identify my audience. There were a number of different kinds of audience members. My favorite ones were the people I could bounce ideas around with to build momentum of a joke- these were often rather quick witted folks who at times may have had much better jokes than I did. I had a trick they didn't though, but I'll expand on that later.

The second best kind of person to have watching you, believe it or not, are the slightly disinterested people. They are the ones that will pay the most attention if you grab them. They are also the ones that will end up referring other people and expanding the audience.

The very worst kind is the poor comedians. The ones who drag down the momentum with poorly crafted, poorly timed, or obvious jokes- often ones that are in bad taste. The up side is if you're of the persuasion, you can ridicule them to no end and they will stick around for the opportunity to one-up you. If you anticipate a joke far enough away, you can even build up a counter joke and feed the obvious one to them. They use it, feel overjoyed at the success and then you trump them, regaining the popularity while giving them some of the limelight.

The various tricks I employed dealt mainly with flow of conversation and presentation of ideas. It really didn't matter WHAT I said as long as the flow was properly fixed. I could make even the most grumpy bastard piss themselves with the word "Potato." Really. I tried that once and tinkle was produced.

One of the tricks that set me apart from every other yukster I've ever met was that I'd immediately disregard the first joke that came to me. I'd sometimes even scrap the first three or five jokes that came up- for the sole reasons that 1) if you jump into a bit without a little bit of development it can often fall flat and, more importantly, 2) if you're in competition with another comedian and they use that immediate joke, you've got a number of other much better developed jokes just waiting.

My second signature trick was to multi-task a joke. I'd tell someone a joke that was confusing or detailed while I'd simultaneously steal something from them. A bunch of friends and I were sitting at a McDonalds and this low-brow humorist kept making really bad jokes. I decide it's time to really put the hurt on this one so I start feeding her poor jokes (that she would then 'come up with') but I'd continually change the premise. For example I'd set up a scenario and allow the chump to guess at the plot or punchline, changing things up drastically as I went. While I kept them guessing, I'd use physical humor. Tapping them on the shoulder, whatever I could to get them looking around the room. I'd unzip a backpack while they looked at the door, then take a hand full of decorative pens, pencil sharpeners... really anything they would recognize that was small. I'd stash this behind me or, even better, behind a friend.

Using this distraction and stash technique, I could continually keep SOMETHING of theirs with me at all times during this entire show. I'd make sure the audience forgot all the hiding places, or simply didn't see them at all. Every once in a while I'd either hand the mark something of theirs or put it in plain sight. Even better, hide it under something they would later pick up. Ever pick up a soda to find your keys? The perplexed look on their face would keep things going solid for hours on end. Confusion begets confusion so the more you did it, the easier it became.

I eventually stopped being such a showman because it ended up feeling really cheap. I didn't feel like I could go to a party or hang out WITHOUT acting like that. As if my friends didn't really want to see another side of me. When I stopped being the center of attention and stopped feeding that laugh-a-minute machine, I felt incredibly lonely and got depressed, often going days without talking to anyone. What got me most is that people wouldn't call me or ask me to go anywhere. It seemed like I had to initiate everything.

Now things are much better. Having done the hermit thing for a number of years, I'm content with laughing for my own sake. I don't need to share the joke anymore and you know what I've found? People come to me to see what is so funny. Beautiful women approach me every day on the bus just because I smile the most. It's one of the most rewarding feelings in the world because my laughter doesn't depend on anyone. It doesn't matter what YOU understand because at the end of the day...

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.